What if we faked...?

Really, what if?

I really like reading blogs (yes, I'll admit, the self improving kind) and watching youtube video's about a lot of different things, though mostly on fashion, make-up and the likes. I always want to improve who I am, become a better person, get a better life, but after reading the blogs or watching the youtube video's I think: But that's not me! I can't be like that person who wrote that article or who made that video! That's not the kind of person I am.

And really, the current me isn't that person at all. But today I've really been thinking a lot about that. I remember watching this Ted talk which main message was: "Don't fake it until you make it, Fake it until you become it!" and I've been thinking about how much truth there is in that. I've actually already faked a lot in life and I ended up becoming that which I faked.

But somewhere in my current lifestyle I forgot about that. Maybe reading all the self improvement blogs that told me to "just be me" sort of screwed me over on that one. Of course I think being me is important, but I'm going to have to admit I don't like the current me, or at least parts of the current me. I'm sure some people would now say: "Then that's not the real you!" and maybe their right, I don't know. The me of today and the me of tomorrow are already going to be two different me's, just like the me of today and the me of yesterday are different as well. We constantly change and I think I'm always going to find parts about 'me' that I don't like. But no matter how much I want to change them right now, I actually just don't...

If I counted the times I say "I want to be...." in a day, and keep track of that for a month and write it down on paper, I'd be able to cover my bedroom floor with paper, I'm sure. But instead of doing something I keep catching myself just not doing anything at all. And I hate that part of me. Of course, I can say I hate that part of me all I want, but in the end I'm still the one who's not doing anything to change it. And that's just it: I am the only person in my life that can change me, but I'll have to start doing something if I want to.

Now I'm really bad at keeping promises, and I hardly ever do what I say I'll do, but I still want to try. I really do want to get better, become a better person, and maybe even manage to get famous at one point of my life. But in order to get there I need to get off my bed, and start fucking working my ass of to reach anything. The fridge is not going to make your food for you, you need to take it out of the fridge and start preparing it yourself. Life is the same. Take the things you want and start shaping it the way you want it to become. Even if you need to fake it at first.

Faking has a really really bad taste, because Fake = Not good. But sometimes faking IS good. For example, self confidence doesn't just come falling out of the tree, but it takes a lot of effort to create it. But how do you create it, really? You just go out there and gain that self confidence! How? By walking that road with your head held high and FAKING the self confidence that you really don't have! That goes for the catwalk, the street, school and just life in general. Because by faking self confidence you notice it's not that bad, and little by little you start getting more self confident and you have to fake less of it! And I think it goes for everything. Of course, practice makes perfect. Things like gaining skills of course takes a lot more than just faking you have those skills. Faking that I'm a top 10 list blogger won't instantly make me a top 10 blogger. But faking that I am a top 10 list blogger will get me to write a lot of blogs, fail miserably at first and get better at it little by little. If i'll really become a top 10 lists blogger is the question, but I'll get better at blogging along the way because I'm doing, I'm trying to become that something that I'm actually not.

Though I also do believe there are limits. Aiming to high is really not a good idea, but aiming to low is even worse. Instead I think we should always aim to challenge ourselves and get better.
And I'm going to try to do just that. I'll fail miserably while at it, but I'll keep trying and little by little I'll get better and become that person I want to become. Because fuck it, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life being the me of today or yesterday, I'm going to be the awesome me of tomorrow, and fucking rock the world while doing it!

What if we died tomorrow?

Honestly, what if?

For me there would be so many things I'd regret not doing if I died tomorrow. I think that if I'd make a list -something I should actually do just to make myself realize it even better- I would not be able to finish writing it in one day.

A some years ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. The only reason they discovered it is because she pushed and pushed the doctor until he allowed her to get a curtain spot in her breast looked at by a specialist. If she hadn't, she might have died. Back then I really didn't want to think about it, about the 'what if' my mom died. I only started to think about it a few years after that. Even now I don't really like thinking about it. After that my mom realized that "you could die tomorrow" and started living her life doing everything she enjoys as long as she can and if she has the options to do so. Maybe I should have realized it then as well.

I know that the chance of somebody doing is always there but "It will never happen to me", right? But what if it did? I don't want to breath out my last moments thinking about everything I had wanted to do, but never had the guts of doing. I keep saying "I will do anything I want to do without regrets", but I keep being held back by fear. More then the fear of 'what if I die tomorrow' I'm being held back by the fear of 'what if I fail and make a fool out of myself' and 'what if I regret it after all'. Most little by little I'm starting to realize I'd regret a whole lot more if I died not doing any of the things I wanted to try out and enjoy it, really experiencing life, then I would regret if I tried something and failed. Because then at least I tried and have the experience, right?

I have a list of things I want to do, things I want to try out. But I keep postponing it because I'm afraid. I want to live my life like 'there is not tomorrow' but I keep myself from doing so. Maybe of all the things I want to change, this is the biggest thing I want to change about myself. Not to the point of having no fear, but at least to the point where I'll be able to put myself over my own fear in order to be at least able to try.

Over-thinking?

I wonder if I'm maybe over-thinking fashion.

I always look at fashion and see this huge complex thing before me. I don't seem to really 'get' fashion at all, even though I wish nothing more then being able to understand what exactly is fashion. I never really 'got' the European fashion, or the American fashion. But the Japanese fashion is even more complicated then the fashion I was used to, or at least, I think it is.

But lately I've been thinking: maybe I've always viewed fashion as a way bigger deal than it really is. Instead of it being this huge mysterious universe, maybe it's just a simple something. Either way, I still don't get it. Maybe I'm over-thinking it and thus lost my view on how to actually have fun with it, like so many of those fashion bloggers and vloggers seem to have. But I'm not completely sure on how to go about having fun with fashion.

But I'm trying to have fun with it again. I think that the most important thing for me right now is finding something that I feel comfy in, and something I enjoy wearing. Painting my nails in lots of different colors is working out fine for me right now. Though I'm worried about what people might think of my nails I'm also wondering why the h*ll I should care about what they think while it's something I enjoy doing and looking at.

Maybe I should give up on trying to understand fashion and start only enjoying it.
I should actually do that with a lot of things.

Clean slate

This title couldn't be more accurate than this.

I'm starting this blog with a clean slate, as I deleted all previous entries, and mostly only because I couldn't figure out how to delete it.
This place is most likely going to turn into that place where I'm just going to release everything that's on my mind at the moment, from problems to random brain farts. Some of the things that I post here might be worked out more in my other blog or they might be a reaction to something I wrote in my other blog. I'll just fill this little space with whatever comes to mind.

Maybe it's a good thing that I'm doing this. I think that on one side the world has become to open about everything (haters can now hate in places where they can reach everybody), but on the other hand we're become too closed of and not sharing anything of our real thoughts anymore (most likely because of haters, but haters will always hate, online and in real life, so why care?).

Well, we'll see where this goes.